| Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Ways 2 Win, Seven Holy Paths 2 Hell, And Your Trip Begins... |
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| 12:04pm 15/03/2005 |
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mood:  artistic
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i want to crawl out of my skin
and apologize for all my sins
and all the things i should have said
but i can't make them go away
i'm arguing with my brain again
i never meant to hurt any of you
i only did what i had to
counting stars again
hey i'll take this day by day by day
under the covers i guess i'm okay
life's to short to feel small...
...
She's beautiful as usual
with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to
be aware of evil men...
random quotes that mean stuff to me, and nothing to you..
pretty girl is suffering, while God confesses everything |
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| emotionally i am dyin |
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| 11:47am 14/03/2005 |
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mood:  crappy
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i know everyone is technically dying but emotionally i think i'm extreamly close to being gone, my family is making me feel like i am up most and utterly f**ked up, which i think i am a bit but not that badly. And in all this chaos of sending me back and forth to shrinks i have missed hanging out with jessica one last time because she is now on her way to new jersey, my family is chosing everything i do and its driving me nuts they give me no time for my friends, and sooner or later they are all going to hate me, becuase i am never their for them, and a real friend is....
speaking of real friends one of mine is in the hospital and i have been so busy with the shrink stuff i just found out he has been in there for almost a week now... i'm going to visit him today around 4pm once i get done with my family stuff today.. i feel so bad he tore his stomach open by bowling, see bolwing can be a dangerous thing...
i am so tired of talking about whats inside of me so sorry everyone this one is short...
love ya all,
tabetha |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| lately i'm not quite myself, maybe i do need some help.... |
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| 07:31pm 07/03/2005 |
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mood:  crazy
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Whats up all!!!! I am still alive, surprising I know but I am… I kinda hide away tried to figure my head out, not sure how much it helped but i know hanging out every night with one or the other person all the time wasn’t helping me, and talking to any of them about my head wasn’t either since I couldn’t figure out how to explain what is wrong with me… I was having some separation problems with Brandon I noticed right off the get go and I believe it was purely because he was there so much for me, and he truly showed he cared for me and since rob I haven’t had that feeling that he gave me sicne rob, you know that feeling where you don’t have to dress up for them because you know they like you even when you just woke up and your hair is standing straight up… but yet you still dress for them every time you hang out with them, that butterfly feeling in your stomach when you see his name on the collar i.d. on your phone, and you get that small smirk on your face right before you answer it trying to act all cool but hey can tell you are smirking… all girls know that feeling, of truly being cared for, and I can tell with Brandon that if I had given him the chance the first time he would have, but I couldn’t tell if I wanted that feeling just to have on my own or if I wanted it because I miss Robert k. that badly… so I pushed him away like I am so good at doing….
My next problem was the fact that I did/do miss Robert K., I have spent so much time of my life waiting for this boy, waiting for something I am hoping for, waiting for something I honestly have no idea whats going to happen with, waiting for my imagination, waiting for my head to wake up and smell the air… I am so tired of waiting, I only have 3 months if that to wait but I can’t, if he comes back and shows that he truly loves me then I will give him a chance if I’m available if not then its his turn to wait, fate always wins in the end!!!
Problem number 3, I do everything for everyone and I cant take it no more, I no longer have a job, I’m going crazy, yes I work for my brother Monday-Friday 8am till 3pm everyday, watching my nephew, but its so easy it just doesn’t feel like a job, and then the fact that the pay comes every now and then when brandi doesn’t go on a shopping spree, which doesn’t happen much, so it sucks but when I do get paid it is a large sum at once which can be nice, but anyways my point is by helping them I can’t do anything with my life that I want, I cant get a real job cause it would have to be nights and no one is hiring night shifts except grave yard shift which wouldn’t be bad if I didn’t have to watch the kid so early, I cant go to the air academy because its from 8am till 3pm, and I have decided I want to go there cause they promise they can place me on a crusie ship which is what I want to do so badly, I just I’m doing so much for my family right now that I have no time to do anything for me that will help me in the future, which is what I really got to start doing.
Problem number 4, my sister is coming into town sometime around the 8th or April, and we are suppose to go camping just us two, and that worries me, not sure how this will go…
Problem number 5--- I have gone on two dates lately with two different guys, both are awesome guys, there is John, whom is going into the navy in June, and then there is a guy named Robert H., whom looks so much like Robert K. but is nothing like him, actually I take that back he looks like Robert, has some tendencies like rob, you know, knows so much about cars, and guns, and weird stuff that makes you go how the hell do you know that and why?… but then he has a lot in him that reminds me of Steven (afroman), He has never smoked a cigarette or done any drugs, goes to church but only at times does he go all religious on ya, well anyways my point is I don’t know what to do….. help
I should slowly become available to hanging out again, I’m trying to slowly tell off my family so I can do things…
Tabetha is the #2528 most common female name. 0.002% of females in the US are named Tabetha. Around 2550 US females are named Tabetha! source namestatistics.com
sinner is the #22624 most common last name. 0.0005% of last names in the US are sinner. Around 1250 US last names are sinner! source namestatistics.com
random stuff
love ya all!!!! |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| The World is rising and I'm Slippin Under |
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| 10:14am 16/02/2005 |
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mood: crushed
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UPDATED INFO ABOUT MY ROOMMATE ISSUE: he is in jail for 2 months, and then has to serve 30 days of community service, and take one full year of anger management classes and report back in with the info every week... fun stuff for him....
I am at a huge point in my life where i am unterly confused, and am starting to worry that every move i make can f**k something up, so i'm not moving at all, but have you ever tried standing still in this face past moving world???? It's almost impossible... so i move slowly but surely taken close attention to all now.. maybe my brother was right maybe i do need to see my psychologist.... okay this is the part where my journal becomes MY journal, i write what i want to write without worrying whos going to read it and comment or not, if you don't want to hear me vent about mylife then why the fuck are you reading this anyway?
1- This sunday is my last day at work, i have almost worked there 3 years and this new manager comes in thinking hes top shit, and our stupid ass assetant manger grovels at this guys feet, and together they fuck everything up, besides me leaving there are 6 others as well, only two of them have worked there for less then 2 years, we have all been there a while now, but they don't care, they can hire new people for cheaper, for min wage, SO IF ANYONES INTERESTED, THE AMF TIMBER LANES IS NOW TAKING APPLACATIONS PLEASE NO RESUME'.... to top it off yesterday at work my manager (scott) decided to send me home early cause i was not keeping moving every fucking second, i dumped the fucking ash trays ever 3rd frame, and cleaned the lanes inbetween that what else was there for me to do? i was fucking thirsty and went to the desk to get myself a fucking drink, and had to clock off, this screwed like everyone over later that night because they had no one to cover my shit, but scott and like he's going to do it HAHA... anyways next issue
2-i think this is the 1st time i have ever been this scared... i am so fucking scared that i am wasting my fucking life away, that i have put it on hold for something thats not going to happen.... to better explain, i still love my ex- Robert, and i always will, and i have been waiting just about a year for him to graduate teen challenge and come back here to me, so we can start over, by the time he graduates that program i will have been waiting for 1 year and 6 months... thats a long time for love, but what i'm worried about is that this programe is chagning him (which is the point) and i know its changing him for the better, but will this new robert and i be compatable??? do i love this new robert or do i love the old? once he is back will i be stuck in loving him, even if i know its not what we wanted just becuase its all i know, its all i have, since i put my fucking life on hold for him, how do you do that anyways how do you ask someone to put their life on hold for you? is that not selfish??? i have been selfish myself i admit, but i have put off college twice now for him, cause it doesnt coinside with his plans... do you know after he graduates he plans on coming home for about 1 1/2 working on his moms house, non stop to get it done, then leaving to idaho, so i then wait still for him, but whats one more month huh but then i think have i been wasting my time giving up so many better opertunities??? which leads me to my next thought...
3- BRANDON--- an opertunity that i have missed, and seems to be a pretty damn good one i must admit, that kills me to say this, i put so much trust into him, but i put it at the wrong moment i guess, i opened up my heart completly to him, but as i was opening mine, he was closing his, the first time he came around i gave it up for robert, but the more i watched him , the more we talked the more i could see me really caring for him, the more i saw happiness, the more i saw a future once more... and right now i see no future... he makes me feel so good about myself and i love seein that oh so cute dorky grin on his face, but i dont get to see that anymore, the grin has faded to a fake smile, and only then do i see this at work, besides that he has vanished into his realem of friends, I know he is young but he was a damn good kisser, i can't blame this on him, or on the fact that he is young, i gave it up when he was willing, and now that i am hes not, what an ironic world isn't it? so i must part my ways and leave him to be, i sent him one last message last night saying goodbye, an opertunity missed that i will always wonder about?
4- i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, but i do know what i want to do now.... I want to work on a cruz ship, i mean what better way then to see the world? i've wanted to do this for awhile, but i took it off my plate of choices becuase robert said it would take time from us, well you know what fuck that, i want to do it, and i have givin up enough for this boy i dont want to give this up to... i want to be my own person again, pluse if i can wait threw robert being in jail, and then going to teen challenge then he can wait for me while i'm AT WORK!!!! and if he can't i guess it wasn't meant to be, i just cant do this anymore after losing brandon i just dont want to miss any other good things that might poossible come my way...i know its un-likely something may come my way but theres hope right???
there is so much more but i don't feel like typing anymore, and i'm sure everyone is tired of reading my run on sentences, so i'll stop for the time being, and wish you all a far better month then the one i am having....
~tabetha |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Theses are the days of my life.... |
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| 10:31pm 10/02/2005 |
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mood: creative
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So i went in for shock therapy today, which is usually quit painful, but after having the sub massage therapist today, i'll take shock therapy any day over her, she was so bruttle, and painful, i feel like my whole shoulder is know brusied on top of the inside pain.. oh well so on wards threw my life
I have came to some conclusions lately due to a new friend, whom i meet threw myspace, he lives in san fransisco, he told me a bunch of things i pretty much already knew i just needed to be reminded...
Work sucks- but i only have 17 more days in this month then i'm outta there... and they are cutting abck hours so i should only work about 4 days a week so lets see about 10 more days left hell yeah
Future job- I will be a nanny for my nephew, and work for my dad painting the house and stuff to pay him the debt i owe him, and in may i will seek a job at waste connections or nautilus... I will see though cause as of july when the new baby comes i will be full time nanny, and hopefull get into to school at night... but who knows...
okay the guest that is at my house is driving me nuts i need to get out of this place...
peace out everyone hope all is well for you guys
Love always,
Tabetha |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| I know what I'm going through |
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| 12:08am 10/02/2005 |
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mood:  bouncy
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So today my brother told me i need to see a psychologist, i told him i have one but i don't visit him anymore because i just don't its weird to talk to him about my personal problems now when i went to him about my f**ked up mom, or about the devorce or about wes dying, thats fine but about my personal life, i just can't do it, i'll be fine i say and laugh it off, he gets serious, he honestly wants me to go back to my psychologist... he's worried about me, its cute and all but i don't want to go.. i'll be fine...
Ger. what do you guys think should i go? |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| More Random Thoughts, If I plead... |
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| 12:06pm 09/02/2005 |
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mood:  confused
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Paint my finger nails black before i sleep
please don't tell my secrets
keep them hidden
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and when the answer that you want
is in the question that you state
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in a pain that buckles out your knees
could you stop this if I plead
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so destined I am to walk among the dark
a child in keeping secrets
(will they know what I've done in the after)
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what did I do to deserve...
what did I do .... |
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| Seven deadly sins, seven ways to win, seven paths to hell, and your trip begins |
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| 10:27am 08/02/2005 |
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mood:  sleepy
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~Seven angels, Seven demons battle for her soul~
i have been told that a fallen angel is watching over me....
so question, why is my angel fallen? why can't i have an angel whom sores the coulds up high, whos able to sope down and save me when need be... why do i have a fallen one, is mine a drunk? Did i get the angel that is only "fallen" cause it feel off its barstool?... what does that mean, does that mean that i have fallen and i took my angel with me? does it mean my angel is trying redem itself and become a regular angel again? Does this mean god thinks i am strong enough that i don't need an angel??? what is he trying to say? or is he tryingt os ay anything at all?...
now as for my title today---
Seven Deadly Sins- Pride, Envy, Anger, Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, Lust....
Seven Ways to Win- In order to win you almost always have to creat a sin in order to win, so in inturn that leaves seven ways to win, and for those cases that is doesnt fit this does... in every sin you do, you consider yourself a winner, to make it alright...
Seven Holly Paths to Hell- i mean what is there to say but Some moments you are happy because you enjoy them which isnt such a bad thing but each one can win you a trip in the wrong diorection
And Your Trips Begins- need i say more?a trip in the wrong direction is still a trip, you just got to decided if its worth taking.... That one is up to you....
So just remember:
One more dies one more lives
One baby cries one mother grieves
For all the sins you will commit
You’ll beg forgiveness and none I’ll give
A web of fear shall be your coat
To clothe you in the night
A lucky escape for now young man
But I’ll see you damned in endless night
~Tabetha~ |
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| its funny how things effect you |
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| 01:20pm 06/02/2005 |
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mood: sad
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Right now, i am sad, and i am trying to hide it, but the only way i can do that honestly is by appearing to be a bitch, and its working, because my brother is mad at me for being bitchy, and brandi is complaining to mark that i am bitchy again, i don't know how else to handle things right now....
Tomorrow is the 7th, its Wes's birthday, if he was still alive he would of been 17 years old, he cammited suicide at the age of 15, of fucking 15, he wasn't even old enough to drive but he was old enough to decide if he should live or not.... its fucked up, and i greaved when it happened and on his 16th birthday some friends took me to the beach for his birthday and i felt better, but on the mark of his one year being gone, aug-05-04, i cried so hard, harder then when i found out, i just don't understand, no one will tell me why? why did he do it? they wouldn't tell me how for ever too, they said it would effect me to much to know, i found out from people gossiping over it at work, THAT FOR SURE ISN'T HOW I WANTED TO HEAR HOW, he shoot himself in the head, why was a 15 year old able to be by a gun? why? do you know what fucked me up worst about it, i have dreams, guess you should call them nightmares of his funeral, and how there were a bunch of pictures of me and him together all over the place, ALL OVER THE PLACE, he was my first b/f, we went to my first high school dance together, there we pictures everywhere, and then some girl in front of me i heard her whisper to someone else, is that the girl in the pics, shes not even crying, I WASN"T i couldn't i was in shock,
four days before he killed himself he called me, to catch up on old days, it was nice to hear from him, sicne he started high school he didn't have time anymore, and his dad sold the pro shop at the bowling ally so i didn't see him there any more, so it was nice to hear from him, we made plans to go skating once i got off work on sunday, the 8th of august, he killed him self before, we had ashort conversation cause i had to go to work, i felt bad for havingt o hang up but i was already late, he was suppose to call me back, but never did, if i would have been able to talk to him, to see what was going on in his life, would i have been able to prevent it??? would he still be alive, if someone just gave him more time,,... these questions haunt me so....
i don't like being sad i don't so i hide it and be mad, i feel bad my brother doesnt deserve any of this i just don't know what else to do....
well yeah..... enjoy your night everyone, i'm going to try to cheer up and watch the superbowl game, hell yeah, thats something i like, it should cheer me up,,...
Tabetha
p.s. i saw justin council wrote in his journal the other night.... seems his life is going well, that kind of pissed me off to, i tryed to stay friend and keep in touch, but he never called, maybe our friendship wasn't as great as i thought it was... who knows... well i guess he does but good luck trying to get hold of him.... since he is a god right? |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Fly like an eagle... |
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| 01:12pm 04/02/2005 |
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mood:  high
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i am high... leagally... i went and saw doctor steven today, and he worked on my shoudler and made it feel better, i swear... even before he gave me the happy medicine... i like this stuff, i don't worry about my problems, on this stuff... its good.... well i'm wasting it by sitting in front of the computer so i'm going to go play with my nephew this could be fun.... hehe , he's beena complete butt today thou, well i'll go do something....
BYE BYE BIRDIE |
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| what a day what a day |
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| 09:18pm 03/02/2005 |
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mood: worried
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so i went and saw the movie "hide and seek" today.... good movie dakota f. is a good actor for a little girl, we better watch her, when she gets older lol....
i have to move back in with my dad.... the court decided that they want $1000 by the 11th or they are sending my brother back to jail, so the money they had for a security deposit, is no longer there.... so they are movig in with her mom, all 3 of them in one bed room, out in tim buck too, and i am left with no where to go but to my dad's.... this is going to suck, my brother feels bad i have to go back, but i have no where else to go... its only for two months... i just got to remember that...
my future plans keep getting pushed back, and pushed back, and further back, every time i think i know what going to happen, NOPE tabetha is an idoit and has no idea....
I've been talking to Devin, lately, over lj, its cool, hes a good guy, having his own issues but who isn't but evertime i talk to him i just remember he's related to garrett l. and i miss him so much, he promised me so much, espically that we would stay in touch amd i havent heard from him since a month after my graduation.. i mean when i broke up with him after he already moved down there he was so sad, that i wasn't going to give us a chance, but we were so new in our relationship i didnt think we would make it long distance, then he gets this new love, this boy sure has a lot of love to give.... but yet i miss him, he always knew how to cheer me up and was good at helping me figure out things, about my future... i just wish i could get ahold of that boy.... but then has things changed, is he to involved in her to remember his promises to me?... who knows
i hate change, i use to love it now i hate it....
by the way devin, you are right the air force is different .... i am okay with that choice... i hope you are well, good luck
peace out,
tabetha
P.s. brandon just got online and informed me that we are no longer together... thats funny i didn't know we were dating... usually when i guy thinks about being with you might ruin his chances with teh other girls or not in front of you vocally for 45 mins, turns the girl off... and besides we werent talking about having a relationship we were talking about having a close friendship.... wow some boys are sad |
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| lucky lucky me.... |
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| 06:08pm 03/02/2005 |
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mood: crushed
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i get to move back in to my dad's house... for two moths so enough time to unpack... and live a bit.. then to re-pack... and move... this sucks... but no where else to go... we can't get a place till atleast the end of april.... well gotta go.. more on this later... |
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| the furthest distance i ever knew... |
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| 09:19am 03/02/2005 |
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mood: exhausted
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So as you all know, after my little roommate problem I moved in with my brother and his family. Well shortly after i moved in, my brother got a notice that we have to vacate the house at the end of the month because the owner wants to sell it, my brother wants to buy it, but she said no, (only because she can get more money out of someone else who doesn't live here and know all this places little secrets and flaws). So we are running low on time, and its not exactly easy for us to find a four bed room house that brandi likes and that well rent to my brother will his felony....
It's been six years since my brothers felony, and all renters look back 7 to 10 years, hes so close the worse part is, its a class 2 assult charge, now i know what my brother did was dumb but that makes it sound like he beat someone up, or something, for those of you who live in vancouver washington, if you can remember 6 years ago, you probably saw my brother on t.v. his name is mark, he was conveicted of assult 2 because him and 2 of his friends got drunk under age, and then decided to throw pebbles at rocks off a free way off ramp, well as the drinking went on the "pebbles" got bigger, adn actually threw some rather large rocks, and one bolder, they did some small damage to some cars, and enjured one lady "badly" (i dont believe it i think she was faking she was a weird lady) anyways, they all served there time in jail, and now they released them with fines to pay and told them to strengten up their lives, well how does the law expect them to do that, if they can't do anything with a felony on their record? my brother barely got his job, he can't rent an apartment his only luck is going threw a private renter to rent from and hope they are nice!!!!
well anyways, last weekend my brother Mark, told his girl Brandi that she could go shopping, well she did, and now mark is deeply in shit, to put iit nicely, he didn't put the check in till i did for him on monday, well over the weekend a bunch of stuff started to bounce, and ended up coasting him $-300.00, so now we in a finacal situation, and got to get it fixed.... it must be this time of the year that everyone has problems,... who knows
my nephew is being a spoiled little brat today, but luckily i only have to watch him for a bit longer.... because i have to take him to grandpa's mike (no not my dad his other grandpa), at noon, i;m so excited, no kid no kid lalalalala.... don't get me wrong i love the kid but i'm his nanny now, and wow, every day he wakes me up for something and its just tiring some times.... pluse i'm suppose to go see the new movie "hide and seek" with a bunch of my co-workers today at one, so i'm happy he's not going to be with me so i can actually go... Yeah...
alright ganna go shower and that stuff, enjoy your day people, and did you see my cool new background that vanityslays helped me make, i like it |
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| 11:37pm 02/02/2005 |
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i updated my background, come look! |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| life has a funny way of helping you out |
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| 09:37pm 02/02/2005 |
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mood:  blank
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When everything is turned upside down, when everything you touch turns to dust, when everyone you talk to stops talking back, when you are left with no one to talk to, what do you do? or shall i say what do i do?
i'm at a crossroad in my life, that i don't like, i don't know what to do, and i have no one to turn to, i mean don't get me wrong noah, i know your there for me and garrett you try to be as well, but how do i turn to you when i don't know what to say, when all i feel is that i'm being judged, how do you turn to someone you can't see, how do you turn to anyone, since they have all turned away....
life has funny way of helping you out...
i'm going back to my depression, back to my room.... |
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| Pouring my heart to all my lj readers.... |
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| 11:25am 02/02/2005 |
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mood: exhausted
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first thing, like my new icon?
I was givnig the chance to have someone be by myside during my time of need, and i thought about it and decided maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, to have someone to lean on if i need to, so i let him in, we stayed up almost the entire night monday night talking about everything, i told him i wasn't looking for a relationship right now becasuse i know with the way my emtions are acting lately that i can't promise him anything, since i was barely hanging on myself. He said he understood he just wanted to be there when i needed someone he said he wanted to help me, he said he wanted to be with me any way possible, he said it was cool if we were just friends, as long as he could be there for me when i needed someone, I said okay, i opened up to him becasue he came to me, so i figured what could go wrong with just having someone support you in a time of need right? we both crashed hard that night at 3:30, we awoke to hearing my brother get ready for work...
Yes he spent the night but thats because we did litterely crash, he was on top of the blanket i was in them... but i woke with his arm around me, i felt comfortable, i actually felt relieved, i felt that they day was going to be a good one, i felt relxed for only 2 hours of sleep.... we talked for another hour or so, i told him how nice it was to awake to a feel of safety and security... we smiled we laughed, then he left, to go home freshin up for school, i had an early doctor appoinment anyways so i had to be up....
my day wasn't great but, not bad i was just heavily medicated from the doctors cause they figured out what was wrong, anyways.
He came back after school and work, so we could talk, we talked for three hours (okay okay i was finally comeing down from my high off the medications so it was pretty much me talking him listening), we realized the time it was 12:44, and we both only had two hours of sleep so we were impressed, he made a funny joke about where the time went by he said it was so quick that we almost could have moved locations, i answered back with so where are we... My mistake.
He took that as me asking where we were in out friendship, he went on for over 45 mins, about how he knows he likes me but he's not sure if he wants to narrow his choices right now, since he's been hanging out with a bunch of different girls laetly... after hearing all this he says no i think i can be with you, i was about to cry, nothing makes an emotional girl feel special like hearing about how you don't compare to other girls... so i opened up to him again, telling him again that i know i can't make any promises but if he's going to be holding me and helping me threw this s**t that of corse i'm going to respond to hearing about him bein with another girl, even if they just kiss, i told him i'm emotionall right now and its probably because of all these damn drugs the doctors have me on becasue of my shoulder, but i know that every day that gets closer to the 14th i get scared er then i was the day before that i have to go see Justin, my exroommate, i told him so much and at the end i looked up to see his response, and he f**king feel asleep on me, i was so pissed i was crying... i let him sleep since i knew he couldn't drive obvisously, and i sleep on my bean bag chair after i waked arond a bit for fresh air. Surprisingly the bean bag chair was really goo don my shoulder, in the middle of the night he just woke up looked at me and said i like you, but i just don't believe it, i opened up to him and it took him 45 mins of debating, thats not something i need in my life right now... i just couldn't believe it all.
to top things off, i talked to jason (my sisters babys daddy, whos an awesome guy) last night before all this and he asked me my true feelings for my sisster, i told him, i told him everything to, i told him how mom was never a mother to me, never, i told him how my brother and i always felt like she was punishing us for something we didn't do and me espically, i told him how mom always acted like her love was else where, then jennifer comes in the picture and we find it, all moms love is in her, and i din't resent her for that because it wasn't her fault mom gave her up for adoption, but i did hold against her is that she never took the time to see how we felt about things, she just disapeared, crushing mother... and at first i thought it was funny, that mom's little angel just left her like she was nothing, like the nothing that she has made me feel my whole damn life... but the joy turned into hate, how could she just leave my mom like that, all my life i have struggled to get attention from mom, i have longed for her to need me! for her to care! and yet i haven't gotten it, and she had it, she had it beyound belief mom would have bent over backwards done 5 back flips and ran threw fire just to spend a day with jennifer, i mean s**t my mom almost backrupted us, just to buy jennifer things for her un-born child, and yet that wasn't good enough for jennifer, she left almost without a goodbye, i believe she called the night she had teh flight to montana, thats why i resent her, she had it all and yet she is so selfish it wasn't good enough for her, she never stopped to think of how we felt, but i'm suppose to forgive her because she has a mental condition, i'm sorry being a slut who can't keep her legs closed isn't a mental condition to me, but some how she has gotten everyone to see it as one, so lets pitty her shall we.
On another note i have recently gotten my mom's attention, she now wants to be part of my life and help me in my "time of need", and now that i have it, i don't want it, i'm so use to not having it, that i don't want it, i actually was trying to persade jennifer to come and move here, to get her life back on track, funny thing isnt itm, i spent my whole life without a mother, i just had a withc demand me waht to do all my life, and treat me as her slave, now i have this lady who i use to try so hard with to get her approval, and it turns out she talks about me al the time at work, and how proud she is of me, and now she took time off work for me to help me, how am i suppose to act, i'm finally strong enough i don't need her, and i have her, and now my sisster is needing help and i'm trying to help her and hand her mom.... its funny how life works, sometimes god makes me wonder about his tacticks behind some things, my mother would diffently be one....
Life may think its got the best of me, but i'm not done with it, i let it un-nerve me, i let it control me, but it misread my vulnerability, i was alwasys afraid the truth would hurt me, when it's you that hurts me more... ", i tear my heart open i sew myslef shut, my weakness is that i care to much, my scars remind me that the past is real, i tear my heart open just to feel.."
I am stronger then i let myself know, i will get threw all this and walk out of it even stronger, so if i tell myself that enough times does it beomce true? |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| If only we could all depend on what we know..... |
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| 11:32am 31/01/2005 |
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mood:  relieved
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Hey everyone i posted this long entry in another site, but was proud of it and wanted you all to read it as well since it was my weekend thoughts, the number signify what paragraph on the actuall site it is, so if you want to read the real thing you can skip ahead to the parts i skipped since they are numbered. if you want the site comment with your email address and i'll email it to you, or email me at bittersweetvamp@gmail.com
1- I opened this template with full intentions on writing this long depressing/hatefull entry, well there still might be some of that stuff but my main point has changed, i had in mind everything i was going to say but something gave me the feeling that i should check something first, so i did before i started typing anything, and i found a dear friend (Noah) had wrote to me about my feelings towards melissa, and he wrote his true feelings about a lot of things that he has kind of been holding in, so i opend it to read figured what the hell what could it change...... I was mistaken.
2- Life's journey is completly f**king crazy, i read his entry and before i was done i was crying, but i didn't even notice that i was crying, untill i went and glanced at my key bored when i saw drops of water on some of the keys on my key bored, when i realized i was full out crying my eyes, not just a drop here and there when he said something sweet, no full out waterfall....
3- (NOAH THERES MORE ABOUT YOU IN MY OTHER ONE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
sorry everyone but its mushy crying my eyes explaining why i let that friendship fade a bit, not disappeared but faded, didn't think you guys all care...
4- NOW on with life right,... No.... I'm not read to move forward, i have some stuff to to finish here before i try to move forward in any way...{ I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE GOING TO HATE TO HEAR BUT SOME THINGS IN MY LIFE HAS CHANGED,} I follow what others say i should do, as if they know what is best for me, and i'm sure some of you possibly might have a bit of an idea what it is i'm looking for, but i'm tired of looking threw other peoples eyes, i relay to much on others... since i graduated school i have noticed this, i started really relying on others for almost every move i make....Robert (i for awhile there had to check with him before i did anything) Melissa (i had to see what she was doing before i could do something) My Ex-roommate (he had to okay it all) Noah ( make sure i didn't disappoint him)... and so on and so on... oh and dont forget Joe (i had no weekend plans till i found out about his)...
5- What a horrible way to live your life.. i mean seriously, checking in with all those people before i made my own move, you know when i first moved in to my brothers house i asked him each time if he was home if it was okay that i took a shower...(there are two bathrooms in this house both with showers why would he care) and he always told me that too. But it became habit for me... well not no longer.
6- If i want to do something then it's my life and i'm going to live it how i chose to, now as for dinkning, i have cut back massivly, yesterday i had one glass of vodka and oj, and that was it for the intire week, thats diffently a good start... but every now and then if i need to relax and i can't do it on my own then i'm going to drink, thats just the way it is...
7- I can't deny or pretend, and i will not any longer... yes i am broken apart deep inside but you know what, things will get better eventually, and yeah some things will never be the same, but it's time to make a change, all this bullshit with Both my friends named melissa sleeping with my guys, f**k them, i'm done, if they want to be that low and think that maybe i'm a fool, well my daddy didn't raise no fool, and i know i deserve better, f**k ryan, he's threw, as for melissa's if they apologize then i'll try, i'll let them in, but i won't deny they will be watched for a bit, but thats just to protect myself... And thats how things are going to be to, everything i do is to protect me, i don't care if thats going to make me look selfish, because you know what all my life i have never been selfish never done things becasue i would get a reward out of it, becasue i would reek the bennifits never....
8- this part of the entry is about joe, if you would like to read it comment and i might email you the site...
9- {side note no more tears but yet a true content smile}
10------ Give me truth to my conviction....
People must be crazy, i mean if the world can't handle standing on their own two feet, and being proud of who they are, even if they arnt sure who they truly are yet... or what they want to be thats fine!!! Just be content with what you know about yourself, if you just had your hair dyed and its looks good on you, then who cares if it aint your natural hair, live it up and enjoy it, if you just got laid by one hot ass man/woman, and your not dating them, then be freakin proud (unless your seeing someone else then BAD BAD You), It's your life and live it how you want to... I'm not saying do things to hurt others feels, always keep others feeling in mind, but when it comes to you being depressed almost beyound rejuvanation or someone being pissed at you for 5 mins, then piss them the f**k off, I'm going to start doing what i want to do, because in the end if i end up truly satisfied with myself then my true friends will end up happy for me as well, and God will swing open his gates to me, because thats all he wants to, is for you to be truly happy
11- check it, another day to conque another night to live, and live it well, i'm going day by day, and you know what thats okay (hey i'm a poet and i didn't know it j/k) I was going to start college in march but i have changed my mind, yes i know again, but you know what thats okay too... i don't want to start yet, when i'm ready i'll get off my butt and go but i'm not ready yet...
12- You know what i spent last night... thinking... I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong, Everything, it felt so right, Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong, Now I can't breathe, No, I can't sleep, I'm barely hanging on... and now, i'm on the top of the world baby...
13- it 's like this:
Sometimes it's so frustratin, 'I keep it all in my head, Till I just can't take it no more, It's not just when I get mad, Sometimes it's cuz I'm so glad...
Sorry everyone i had to go so it didn't get ended yet, but give me time i'll go finish it soon.... |
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| I HAVE FIGURED IT OUT |
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| 11:54am 29/01/2005 |
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mood:  pissed off
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i know why i don't really have any chick friends, becasue they always sleep with someone i am close to, or have a crush on and for some that i was/am dating.... or atleast tried.... i know this includes me girls are scandelous selfish bitches, and melissa m (co-worker) can go to fucking hell... no she didnt sleep with joe, but she sleep with ryan who she knows i have liked for the last three fucking years... and they didn't even hide it they made out right in front of me, how fucking rude i just can not believe her right now....... this entry does not include jessica g (vanity slays) she is not included in the girls, no offense,,..
GIRLS ARRE SLUTTY BITCHES AND CAN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
Tabetha |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| This is a crazy song just wanted to share it with everyone |
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| 11:50pm 27/01/2005 |
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mood:  pain
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Lil' Jon Lyrics
(feat. Devin the Dude, Oobie)
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
[Intro/Chorus: Oobie]
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa; I'm so horny and I want you to fuck me
I'm tired of masturbating got my body shaking no orgasm faking with me
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa; I'm so horny and I want you to fuck me
I hope you're ready for love, cause I got more than enough
Come bust a beautiful nut up on me
Now I'm just sitting in my lingerie, sipping on some Alize
Trying to formulate all the ways I can make you say
Ooh Baby, right there, don't stop
Put it in you're mouth, twirl it round til' you make it pop
Now I'm gonna make you sweat, when you go down in between my legs
You gon be fantasizing bout these lovely thighs
It's gon' be hypnotizing won't you come on and see
[repeat Chorus]
[Devin the Dude]
I see your pussy lips smiling
Been grinning like they want something up in 'em
I been wanting to ask you for some but didn't want to offend you
But now I see you bout as freaky as me
I busted two nuts already now you waiting for number three
You ask me what will it take to get me hard again
I say saliva but see you ain't down for swallowing
You'd rather have it on your skin you wanna rub it in
Move your tongue like that once more girl I'm bout to nut again
Fuck your friends in your business ask me why I call everyday
And why your face is so clean just tell 'em oil of olay
I thought i could run a good race but girl you can do mile
Lay on your side raise up ur legs let me see that beautiful smile
Awww yeah, I'mma put it all in there
And you relax but then you ask me to pull ur hair
And I'll do it you'll scream but the nut won't last
Cause right before you know it Splash!!
[Chorus - 2x]
[Lil Jon]
Dick suck my dick suck
Shawty want you to put it on me
Rough sex, fuck fest
Let me put ya to test
Up & down in and out
Put that dick back in yo mouth
You take the cream I'mma make you cream
You dick fiend I'mma pussy fiend
Role play, fantasy, Hennessy, ecstacy
Hard fast not slow after this they ain't gon want no mo'
Lay you down, pick you up, speed it up you wit me boy
Doggy style buck wild I'll leave yo ass screaming aahh!
Goddamn don't stop cum rising to the top
Girl you suck dick so good make me wanna call the cops
And it don't make no sense the way you suck the dick
The way you lick from the shaft to the dome of the dick
Goddamn can't lie girl I love the shit
Strap up, get head, fuck the shit out a bitch
Cause I'm big Sam baby, I'll rock yo world baby
I lay the kinda pip that make your toes curl baby
[Outro]
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
I'm so horny
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
So touch me baby
Na Na Naa Naa
I know that you want me
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
So come on bust one for me
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
I'm so horny
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
And I want you baby
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
I see it's nice and hard for me
Ooh Na Na Naa Naa
So come and skeet it on me |
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Read 1 - Post |
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